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JUST FOR FUN
* Number of physicians in the U.S.: 700,000
* Accidental deaths caused by Doctors per year: 12,000
* Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. Health & Human Services)
* Number of gun owners in the U.S.: 80,000
* Number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500
* Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
* Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT:
Not everyone owns a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets
out of hand. As a public measure, I have withheld the statics on lawyers for fear that the shock might cause people to seek medical attention.
Before you critize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
Oppurtunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
HUMOR
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, what I've discovered:
* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
* All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
* If all is not lost, where is it.
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If God wanted to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
* The only differnece between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses?"
The bird answered, " I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
A visiter to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered, " Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and for
40 nights?" The visitor replied "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, " we got 'bout two and a half inches during that spell."
Subject: Realities of living in Texas
You know you're in Texas when:
* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
* You can eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
* You can make instant sun tea.
* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* You notice the beat parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water now comes out of both taps.
* It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the street.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When you Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4 Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze whe someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber , not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
THE PATIENT'S PSALMODY
The Chiropractor is my friend; I needeth no other.
He leadeth me safely past the shadow of the valley of death.
I fear no disease, for he removeth the cause; he adjusteth my spinal subluxation.
My body worketh one part in harmony with another.
He visiteth me daily, yet my purse is not drained, for I continue my work faithfully.
My mouth burneth not; neither am I a slave to medicine, for he giveth me none.
Surely, health shall be my staff and my stay, and when I reach safely yonder shore, these words shall I hear:
"Faithful art thy good servant. Thou hast not submitted thyself to be butchered;
therefore thou hast kept mu commandment. That which I have made, let no man cut asunder."
Surely, I shall dwell in the house of health forever and forever.
Reprinted from the Fountain Head
News, Saturday, November 29, A.C.
25 (1919), November 11
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Wealth without work
Science without humanity
Business without morality
Worship without sacrafice
Politics without principle
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without character
-Anonymous. The Chiroopractic Journal
[NCA] 1938 (Nov); 7(11);21
HE DID HIS BEST
When I am dead if men can say,
I helped the world upon my way;
With all my faults of word and deed
Mankind did have some little need
For what I've done- then in my grave
No greater honor shall I crave.
If they can say- if they but can-
" He did his best, he played the man,
His ways were straight; his soul was clean;
His failings not unkind nor mean.
He loved his fellow man and tried
To help him"- I'll be satisfied.
But when I'm gone, if only one
Will weep because my life is gone
And feel the world is somewhat bare
Because I am no longer there-
Call me a knave, my life misspent-
No matter. I shall content.
Palmer DD. The Chiropractor's Adjuster:
The Science, Art and Philosophy of Chiropractor. 1910,
Portland Printing House, Portland OR, p. 985.
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